in my mind, i’m such a foul, bitter person to myself and others. even people i love. i find reasons, even small ones, to dislikes them, because part of me feels i don’t deserve friends. i don’t deserve love. yet, at the same time, it often feels like i am not loved at all- that i am alone and that no one cares as much as i need them too. people don’t realise how much i need them just to be there. they’re often not there when i most need it because the side which tells me i don’t deserve them arises. i get frightened, so i don’t show my true feelings. i get afraid they won’t understand or they’ll say the wrong thing and i’ll hurt even more. often, i am, quite literally, on my own.
there is a constant battle in my head over everything. i never know what to do.
there have been too many cold, lonely nights lately.
“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do. You just use the future to escape the present.”—Looking For Alaska (via let-it-bleed)
missing those dreams i used to have where we’d just be talking. talking, that was all. it made me so happy just to talk. the dreams made every little thing about you exactly how i imagined you in my mind. to talk of silly, irrelevant things or just… life. to see you, this face i’ll never see for real, smiling in my mind. smiling. it’s nice to think of that.